Change is definitely difficult, and subtly more complex than expected… always. For the past two years I’ve been going through the typical retirement shift from an established lifestyle to the new ‘simpler’ one. The process is not unique to me, we all do it. We all need to find our own distinct way and learn our own personal lessons.
There are considerations of finance, health, age, and fear of change. I have to evaluate these considerations, tweak habits, and get starkly critical of myself. Identifying and working on shortcomings will help me to move forward in whatever next direction is waiting. Yes, definately difficult.
One of my shortcomings, I am realizing, is my pride. It feels embarrassing and surprising since we strive our whole life to feel good about our choices, actions and successes.
Pride is an odd and duplicital trait. It is a good thing to feel pride in what you can do, to feel pride as you succeed at something, and to feel pride in being good at something. It can make us more confident and adds strength to who we are.
But pride can also be a sign of insecurity. If the pride is springing from insecurity it can be reliant on diminishing someone else to elevate yourself. Pride can be a hollow flaw that takes away your empathetic response and rightly effects how people view you. No one appreciates arrogance and selfish pride will only erode. The true challenge is to have a healthy self-worth without arrogant pride.
Sadly, by the very circumstances of being a woman in the work environment, we are compelled to appear fearless, strong, self reliant, and self serving. Unfortunately, to instead appear empathetic, nurturing, or loving in the workplace is often cause for ridicule. Those traits are equated to showing weakness, so instead we must control the narrative and anything that could potentially knock us from a place of power where we can actually affect change and serve others.
Serving is foundational to my faith and a large part of who I am as an adult. I’ve always loved giving to other people. It brings me great joy. I have had to be subtle and intentionally careful, however, because people can feel uncomfortable receiving blessings. People often feel unworthy of receiving praise, rewards and gifts. I respect that. As I am getting older I am experiencing that firsthand and discovering a surprising level of deferred empathy. I realize one of my greatest shortcomings is the need to learn how to receive gifts.
As I reveal and face my shortcomings in this effort to become the next and better version of myself, I am feeling grateful for this process. I am becoming the truly spiritual and loving servant I was designed to be. I am understanding the complexities of true love of self and others. Real change and growth is uncomfortable and humbling and joyful and peaceful … and vital.
To truly serve I must learn to live in grace, humbly giving and receiving seamlessly and without hesitation. By relinquishing unnecessary control I can finally live at a level of harmony that will be evident in my artwork.
I process through my artwork. My artwork reveals insight to my spirit. I won’t even try to predict where this will all lead but I trust the process and trust is synonimous with faith. It’s all about life and the wonderment of all of the amazing pieces of who we are coming together to become the best gift we can give back to our maker. It’s about coming full circle.
This is a detail of a painting that is 24″ x 30″ oil on canvas and is yet to be named.
Kelly E. James 