So, I realized after my last post that I am  moving forward again. I had told myself that part of the reason I’ve been grumpy is I couldn’t paint. I also realized that my art has come to a grinding halt this year, as have most of my creative outlets. That just can’t sustain.

Somehow I had allowed my mind to dictate false narratives because I yoked my art and my eyes to my self worth. I had fallen out of rhythm. The part that really surprised me was that I was clearly resisting change, again. After I drew that little sketch of the horse a couple of days ago and talked about it here, I had that ta-da moment that springs out of self conversation or mindfulness. Several friends also reminded me that they still want to see what I’m up to, even if it’s just a sketch.

I have been thinking about what I call mis-assigned importance for quite some time, because I process everything slowly. Not all work that I do is wonderful, nor does it need to be. That little sketch made me realize I’m in the next phase of my growth. We are each, after all, an evolving and learning, spiritual being.

I cannot deny who I’ve been my whole life. I am eccentric, habitual, passionate, self critical and obsessed with attention to detail in everything. My first real job out of high school was illustrating  manufacturers’ products for their catalogs, and it  translated quickly into a 20 year run as a pre-cad industrial illustrator. I worked for a little desktop publisher but also spent a lot of time drawing nuts, bolts, screws and subcontracting whatever the big name graphic artists didn’t have time for. It was pure visual processing –  specific, black and white drawing, and I loved it until CAD programming came along. At that point I wandered off to get a degree in fine art … and discovered color.

As I began to paint, even my oil paintings were more ultra realism than they were impressionistic. The last growth spurt I had entailed trying to loosen up that crisp illustrative style and become quicker and more gestural so that I could do Plein Air – think and work quickly and loosely in the field.

That was difficult with my background. I was resisting change even though I liked what I was incorporating. Now, my temporary vision restrictions are making me realize I need to move ahead once more.

I’ve done some reading and studying over the last year about the effects that vision might have on an artist’s color theory and style. I understand this now. There are active conversations on possible implications of nearsightedness and cataracts to perception of color and clarity of image for several of my favorite artists from various centuries, even impacting and possibly giving rise to  movements like impressionism.

I think doing these little impromptu sketches are my way of thinking mindfully – a functional tool for me to continue my processing of where I am and what might lie ahead. Functionally it’s good exercise and good use of these little sketchbooks while I’m waiting to get scheduled for the surgery. It certainly will make me easier to live with for the people I care about around me. I’ll keep you posted.